You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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