That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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