Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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