dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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