I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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