fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
