I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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