:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
