Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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