It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
