Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Drunk is not a location!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
