I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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