I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
