I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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