is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
