Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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