I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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