OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
