He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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