totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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