One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
