I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
