he wants to bone in the snuggie
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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