You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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