listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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