i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
