I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
