he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
