I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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