Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
