i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
