Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
