the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
