I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
