Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
