Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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