So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
