call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
