Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
