This is not my ceiling
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
