i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
