Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
