my phone needs a breathalizer
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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