I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
