Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
