i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
