he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
