she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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