Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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