could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
