this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
