i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
